Dear Curious Folks!

For starters, I am a performance artist and a copywriter working in the advertising industry. I have a cat and a girlfriend. My hobbies include reading creative pieces, performing drama, writing plays and games, exploring stuff, creating music, making art, and playing video games. To make it short, I enjoy doing cool stuff.

My pronouns are they/them/he/him and I identify as non-binary. It’s a mouthful, isn’t it?

But really, all I want to say is that I am just me, like all of you. My identity is not confined to who I like, who turns me on, how I express myself, or how others perceive me.

I identify as someone who is neither male nor female, and I am attracted to anyone regardless of gender.

I am just me because I said so.

And that holds a lot of power. That’s how I like to see it.

It’s a very complicated thing to talk about. My parents were scratching their heads when I told them that I was specifically “non-binary.” When I opened up, they immediately asked if I went out with a guy, and I don’t blame them. Everybody gets it wrong at first, and that’s fine. How they get it wrong is by assuming that one’s identity is based on who they are attracted to. If knowing yourself is as simple as knowing who you like, then that would make each and every one of us as interesting as a paperclip clipping a paper.

Each of us is interesting and also complicated at the same time, but don’t worry, I’m here to make it simple for you.

I don’t identify as either “male” or “female.”

No, I’m not an alien. My own personal biological make-up is attributed to the X and Y chromosomes I was given at birth. Biologically speaking, my sex is male. Sociologically speaking, I follow neither.

Isn’t that interesting? Your identity and your roles are not strictly confined to the body that was given to you. Historically speaking, the Filipinos before the Spanish rule weren’t actually dead set on this type of binary. Leadership roles were granted to those who were deserving of them, not based on their biological gender.

But remember baby showers? Remember when our parents used to give us blue-colored stuff for baby boys and pink-colored ones for baby girls? Let’s expand on it. Think about fast cars, stocks, cigarettes, alcohol, and guns, and you can say that those are for the boys. And when you think about shopping, flowers, emotions, and chick flicks, you can say that those are for the girls. Boys and girls grow into men and women.

There’s no such thing as being too straight or too gay when it comes to identity. Just be yourself. That’s enough.

I digress. And that’s how I knew myself. I enjoyed both worlds, both flowers and fast cars, and even beyond what those two sides could offer. So I am neither male nor female.

I believe the follow-up question for that is, “so if you’re neither male nor female, then who are you attracted to?” A very good question, actually! I have the formula to give you for that.

When talking about sexual orientation and gender identity expression, or SOGIE, we ask two questions:

• Who are you attracted to?
• How do you identify yourself?

Because who you are and who you like are actually different things.

Yes, very different things. For example: I identify as someone who is neither male nor female, and I am attracted to anyone regardless of gender. That makes me non-binary and pansexual.

Remember, identity and sexual orientation are different parts of who you are. Seeing things this way makes them simpler, right?

I’m non-binary and I don’t need to prove it.

Do I have to date boys or gay men to be non-binary? Do I have to watch RuPaul’s Drag Race to be considered gay? Does listening to metal make me less of a non-binary person?

Simple, it’s no to all of the above.

We are given tropes of how gay people or non-binary people are supposed to dress, talk, and look.

I cannot blame you for the hasty generalization. Your identity is not a performance for everybody to witness. It is your own internal perception of yourself. You don’t owe everybody your androgyny or queer expression just to be considered gay or non-binary.

I have a girlfriend, and I am still non-binary and pansexual. That sounds quite impossible to grasp, but, you see, that’s how I know myself, and nobody can demand of me to perform anything because I am just being me.

There’s no such thing as being too straight or too gay when it comes to identity. Just be yourself. That’s enough.

What hurts us the most is the rigid expectations we set for ourselves.

Most of you might have some instances where you think that you’re less of a man or a woman because of how you dress or how you talk, etc. I’m here to remind you that you’re not.

We’re not that strict about pronouns. You can always ask.

It might be uncomfortable to ask, but you know what? A lot of people, especially young folk, appreciate these questions. We welcome the questions because we see them as a sign of respect. Before getting to know someone, we ask them this question:

“What are your pronouns?”

Asking this, lights up their faces. I guarantee that because it means that you’re someone who’s acknowledging that these people are safe to occupy the same space as you do.

By asking these questions, we lessen the stigma against the community. And the more we ask, the more it starts to become a normal thing.

We won’t doxx you for it, I promise.

It’s okay to fumble from time to time because I admit that the learning curve when it comes to understanding pronouns is quite steep. You may encounter some “woke” kids, who will be aggressive with how they want their pronouns, but really all you need to do is ask. Their aggression stems from the rigid expectations and roles that they were forced to comply with.

I want to remind you that we are navigating through this new way of perceiving identity.

We non-binary kids are with you every step of the way. Because we want to make safe spaces not just for us but for you as well, so let’s go on this journey together, hand in hand.

I understand that pronouns are very fucking complicated.

Sometimes when you look at someone, they may look like a “he” or “she” but you wouldn’t really know unless you ask, or they said so.

Trust me, I’ve been there.

The reason why I identified as non-binary is that I felt uncomfortable with the assumptions. A lot of people would speculate whether I was straight or bi, and I wouldn’t answer them because I felt out of touch with those choices.

Even though I’ve had my way with boys in the past, I don’t consider myself bisexual. I don’t feel straight as well, even though I have a girlfriend. It’s really complicated, but I found comfort in identifying as non-binary because it felt more “me.”

Don’t worry about pronoun usage, it’s beyond grammar at this point. It’s about creating more inclusive spaces for expression, regardless of their identity.

In the end, it’s how I got in touch with myself, with the version of me that I’m most comfortable with. Knowing who I am made me more comfortable with being myself, unbound by everyone’s assumption of who I was. I’ve felt a sense of ease and control over myself.

So when you ask us about our pronouns, we take it not as a sign of ignorance but of respect. Respect for how we perceive ourselves. You don’t need to overthink it. You just need to ask. There’s no harm in that.

Why is it so important to ask about our pronouns?

The power of asking these questions is it allows for more safe spaces for those of us who are part of the LGBTQIA+ community.

There’s a feminist quote that says, “the personal is political.” If any of us in this community is not comfortable with expressing their identity, then there is a problem. How we can deal with that problem starts by asking questions. Don’t worry about pronoun usage, it’s beyond grammar at this point. It’s about creating more inclusive spaces for expression, regardless of their identity.

Everybody will fumble and tumble when it comes to using pronouns, but we’ll get the hang of it soon! It’s a journey we’ll share as we move towards a better future. So ask away; we don’t bite!

Sincerely,

Your friendly non-binary person

Photo by Katie Rainbow 🏳️‍🌈 on Unsplash