Trigger Warning: Contains examples of homophobic beliefs and mentions of acts of violence against LGBTQIA+ people.

I used to be a raging homophobe.

Actually, scratch that—I used to be a fearful homophobe. I grew up in the 90s where, according to urban legend, gay men were hiding in the back seats of cinemas, waiting to stick a syringe of AIDS into unsuspecting moviegoers.

It was a really dumb time.

It was also pretty much the norm, because prior to the Age of The Internet, queer culture was this dark, nebulous mystery of pain and sorrow for people like me. All I knew growing up was what I was told: That being gay condemned you to a life of suffering; that gay men were always out to molest you, convert you, or kill you, like some sort of penis-loving vampire; and that they weren’t “real men” (thanks, boomers).

Like I said, it was a really dumb time. But the times didn’t stay dumb, which meant we didn’t have to. In the years between my adolescence and today, I learned how to get rid of my internalized homophobia, and it’s made me prouder of the person I now am.

I do understand, however, that some people’s heads are still stuck in those dumb times *cough*philippinelegislators*cough*. In fact, my belief is that homophobia, transphobia, and any other form of bigotry rising today is an offshoot of previous generations clinging to their outdated beliefs and indoctrinating whoever they can. Because change is scary, even for older people.

Part of that fear comes from a lack of understanding. The problem is, a lot of the material that tries to foster understanding among homophobes doesn’t speak their language, i.e. that of an older dudebro chad with a conservative religious upbringing.

Well, I grew up conyo in a Catholic all-boys school whose 60-year-old alumni still think it’s cool to ogle teenage girls in uniforms. I know exactly how to talk to these guys because I used to be them.

So, if you’re a homophobe or know a homophobe who needs some help, here’s a few tips on how to stop being a bigot:

Listen to Jesus

That’s right, baby—we’re going straight to religion! There are roughly seven passages people refer to most often when using the Bible to propagate homophobia, even though actual biblical scholars argue that condemnations of homosexuality in the bible are either mistranslations or willfully inaccurate rewordings by people with anti-gay agendas.

But telling people that their religious book is wrong is the fastest way to get them to stop listening.

Instead, let’s take Jesus’ own words to promote love for LGBTQIA+ people. Matthew 22:36-40 has Jesus telling us what the two greatest commandments are: “Love God with all your heart and all your soul and all your mind,” and “Love your neighbor as you love yourself.”

The official, Jesus-approved Second Greatest Commandment is a call to love all other people—and that includes LGBTQIA+ folks. Failing to do so means failing to follow Jesus, bro.

But what about those who use “tough love” as an excuse to berate the LGBTQIA+ community and subject them to abuse? That’s what Matthew 7:12 is for:

“In everything, do unto others what you would have them do unto you.”

So people who, I dunno, verbally and physically assault gay people, harass drag queens, murder trans women, unload automatic rifles into gay clubs, forcibly “convert” lesbians into being straight, and straight-up psychologically torture queer folk of all kinds are either really bad at following Christ, or just really messed up masochists. I’m sure even the most devout Christian wouldn’t want to live in fear the same way bigots make queer people do.

Jesus taught us to love each other and to be kind. That’s all we really need to do, y’all, so stop hurting people just because they love who they love.

Learn Your History

Scholars everywhere will debunk claims of homosexuality always being some sort of aberration: military leaders in Ancient Greece, for example, believed that allowing male soldiers to sleep with each other resulted in greater bravery in battle. The idea was that they would fight even harder to protect those they loved.

Relying on ancient history isn’t relatable, though. I mean, did the Ancient Greeks even watch 300? What we really need to acknowledge here is that a lot of today’s homophobia comes from more recent historical trauma, like in the 80s.

Anti-gay sentiment reached a boiling point during that decade because of the HIV/AIDS crisis. Because LGBTQIA+ circles were much smaller back then, the STD was spread more rapidly among gay men. As a result, HIV/AIDS became synonymous with being gay, at least in the public eye.

This gave homophobes a justification for their vitriol, even though HIV/AIDS could be and was spread among heterosexual people at the time, too. They treated gay men as dirty, subhuman carriers of disease who deserved to die before destroying the rest of humanity. We know today that this simply isn’t true: HIV can be transmitted to and by anyone regardless of SOGIESC, and that being HIV-positive isn’t a death sentence, thanks to modern medicine.

But as we’ve learned from certain presidential campaigns from the mid-2010s, the fastest-spreading virus known to mankind is hate. It’s also one of the hardest ones to cure.

This disproportionate amount of hate in the 80s resulted in a proportionate amount of pushback from the LGBTQIA+ community, who needed to defend themselves against the increasing viciousness being promoted against them. Lines were drawn, gay people were killed, and a whole lot of intergenerational trauma was created in the process.

We need to understand that a lot of hate that today’s homophobes have comes from the fear that dominated that decade. It’s no surprise that I grew up being told that gay men were out to give me AIDS—that’s how badly the mass hysteria of the time warped things. That irrational fear followed me well into high school, more than two decades after the HIV/AIDS crisis. If I didn’t grow out of it, I’d likely be passing it on to the next generation.

By understanding where all this hate comes from, we can work on breaking this cycle of trauma. We have to understand that the homophobia we’ve internalized comes from the irrational escalation of hate from generations past.

We need to accept that what we need today is the very same thing that could’ve prevented all the trauma that came from the 80s: compassion.

Be Actual Friends with LGBTQIA+ People

“I love my gay friends; I just don’t accept their choices” is often called out as a bullshit statement, but honestly, it can be true. I’ve certainly felt that way before.

Again, my upbringing was very much dominated by the misconception that every gay man was a predator, and that included those I was friendly with. The vibe was very much, “Hahaha, I love how you make me laugh, but please don’t make me gay, bro.”

It’s why I used to keep gay people at arm’s length when I was younger (and dumber). It was only until college that I realized that those social barriers were contributing to my inability to accept LGBTQIA+ folks.

See, when you keep a level of distance from people, you negatively impact your ability to listen to them. You prevent yourself from understanding your friends, which in turn keeps you from really caring about their issues.

I grew out of most of my internalized homophobia during college. I was out of my all-boys bubble and became friends with a few LGBTQIA+ folks. It was like a switch was flicked. This wall of prejudice I had built up for nearly two decades just kind of crumbled the moment I allowed myself to get close to them.

After graduating, I fell into a crowd composed of theater people, many of whom were either gay or chill about sexuality. They were the friends who brought little ol’ introvert me out of my shell, which in turn gave me the opportunity to be more fully present with them on an emotional level.

It turns out that it’s really easy to get over your homophobia when you start really, actually loving your gay friends.

Listen to them. Say “yes” when they invite you to a night of drinks and dancing in LGBTQIA+ bars. Watch the queer shows and movies they love. Make an active effort to really connect with them. You’ll find that any biases you have against their “choices” are actually quite pointless, because the person matters more than anything you’d been fooled into thinking in your youth.

I want to stress that again: it’s the person who matters. You need to stop separating the person from their “choices” when sexuality is an integral part of every person’s identity. Practice the Japanese principle of sei-katsu-sha and accept queerness as part of what makes your friends living, breathing people.

And then love the person they are. The whole person.

Being an LGBTQIA+ ally starts when you become a true ally to your queer friends.

Go to a Pride March

Humans are not rational beings. We feel our emotions, and then rationalize them after. For some of us, logic just isn’t enough to overcome something as emotionally charged as homophobia.

So do something irrational. As a homophobe, go attend a Pride celebration with an open mind. Immerse yourself in everything that takes place. Participate. Heck, find a way to join the March itself.

Dance in the streets with all the happy, colorful folks. Yell “I love you” back at the protesters telling you God doesn’t love you. Accept a bottle of water from random bystanders who support you just for being you, no questions asked. Celebrate with everyone at the end of the March, tired and sweaty and grateful for each other.

Offer hugs to young queer people who don’t get the same love from their parents at home. Paint a rainbow on the face of someone who’s happy to finally be out of the closet. Raise your fist alongside people fighting for the right to marry their soulmate, the right to protection against discrimination, and the right to be themselves.

Be there for someone who’s crying because for them, this is the only place they feel truly accepted.

Feel the joy. Feel the pain. Embrace the rapture of hope.

It’ll change you. And hopefully, for the better. I know it changed me.

I genuinely hope that everything I’ve talked about here can somehow make things better, even for just one person. I know I mentioned I was raised Catholic, but I want to close this with a passage from the Quran:

“Whoever saves one life, it is as though he has saved all of mankind.”

Hate kills. Literally. It’s our responsibility to save each other with love.

Looking to join a Pride March this year? There’ll be two in Metro Manila, both on June 24, 2023. Head to Quezon City Circle for Pride PH‘s celebration, and to Circuit Makati for Metro Manila Pride‘s. Inquire with your local Pride and/or LGBTQIA+ organizations for info on celebrations outside of Metro Manila. Happy Pride!