My early tastes were formed when I got a hold of my cousin’s iPod Touch. It had this rough, red case that would scratch my thigh through my pocket as I walked around with it, and I did. That iPod was delivered from the depths of angsty hell, with bands like Paramore, Green Day, Foo Fighters, Fall Out Boy, and Linkin Park bleeding through my shitty blown-out earphones, likely damaging my hearing forever. 

Nirvana was surprisingly absent from that library. I’d always heard their name in discussions of “the greats”, a term I never took a liking to. So in true hipster fashion, I’d never sought them out. The little snippets of Smells Like Teen Spirit that went viral weren’t very convincing either. Why did Kurt care so much about avocados?

My boredom plus the passing remarks on my resemblance to Cobain (it’s the hair) both caught up to me, and so one Sunday, like the Nevermind baby, I dove straight into the pool. 

The thing about being late to the party is that there isn’t much new to say. Nirvana is a band that lived and died before I was born, who were stationed in a country I never lived in. People have had decades to share their thoughts, so anything that could be said about Nirvana, good and bad, is probably out there already. 

Still, I wanted to find out if they held up today, with a new generation of jaded young people to comfort. So here’s hoping I’m not the last one to this party; if anyone hasn’t taken that plunge, this is your sign.

Grunge was born when, rather than constantly rebelling against external forces, musicians figured out they could look inwards for new problems, hence the more downer, depressing sound. Cobain excelled at this (sadly). His harrowing lyrics haunt every song he touches, every line more mentally-ill than the last. When partnered with his raw sandpaper vocals, he comes off sounding pessimistic and unwell, which he was. The more you listen, the more you realize this wasn’t some artistic choice, it was a genuine cry for help. Tracks like Heart-Shaped Box especially are hard to get through without feeling disheartened. 

Sonically, its grunge. But to their credit, they popularized it and did it better than most. One listen through Nevermind makes it evident that the band didn’t put all their eggs into a figurative songwriting basket.

Smells Like Teen Spirit–when you actually read the lyrics–perfectly builds on itself, increasing tension until the chorus snaps it in half. Lounge Act and Come As You Are wear their riffs on their sleeve, not shying away from repetition. The former uses its riff as a backbone, holding together the otherwise intense explosion, while the latter comes back to the riff as a payoff, so satisfying that makes me want to smother a cig on my skin. In Bloom, an ironic personal highlight, was written to have a catchy chorus to call out fans who only understood Nirvana on a surface level. It worked, the chorus is very catchy. 

The band followed the acclaim of Nevermind with no intentions to replicate its sound or its success, instead releasing In Utero. Right from the opening of Serve the Servants, it’s evident how much dirtier their sound is in contrast with the more clean mixes of Nevermind. This bleeds into the writing, with dejected, self-deprecating, borderline perverted lyrics. That raw sound continues throughout the album, up until the final track All Apologies, the final nail in the coffin after the assassination of self-worth.

Months after the release of In Utero, Cobain was found dead in his home in Seattle, Washington. 

Nirvana was the best at decrypting the dissatisfaction we feel towards ourselves and our place in a world that doesn’t seem to care. The music can be comforting, acting as company, making us feel there’s someone out there carrying the same weight, the same baggage we are. It can’t stand in for actual professional help, though– something that, thankfully, has become normalized in the years since Nirvana was dominating the music charts.

Though I realize I’m listening to these songs in retrospect, it’s impossible not to. Kurt Cobain’s name is synonymous with Nirvana.The band soon dissolved after his death, as if acknowledging the sheer gravitational pull of its departed frontman. There remains, though, that feeling of dissatisfaction, with yourself and your surroundings. It is the very core of grunge: Things are shitty, and I might not say it aloud, but I just want it to be less shitty. When that is denied by others, or we deny it from ourselves, confusion and rage arise. 

I believe that feeling to be timeless, intergenerational. 

If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts or a crisis, please reach out immediately to the National Center for Mental Health Crisis Hotline, or through one of the helplines here.